Until the End
by newspapercabs
Summary: Sayid/Ben. Ben has cancer. Sayid deals with it, or rather doesn't deal with it.


**Disclaimer: Not mine.  
**

A/N: I have no idea where the fuck this came from, but I'm actually kind of proud of it. The characters unfortunately are OOC because I can't imagine any of them acting like this. But I hope you like it regardless.

Warnings: Oh, and its AU, if that wasn't obvious.

Pairing: Sayid/Ben

Summary: Ben has cancer. Sayid deals with it, or rather _doesn't_ deal with it.

* * *

**Until the End_  
_**

_"In the end, its not the years in your life that count, but the _life_ in your years."  
_-Abraham Lincoln**  
**

* * *

Sayid didn't—_couldn't_ let him go. Ben was his whole world. How could he possibly go on without him?

Trembling, he swallowed around the aching lump in his throat as he gently pulled Ben's hand in his own. "Hey Ben," he said quietly.

Slowly tired, red eyes blinked open and a weary, sleepy smile slipped weakly onto his exhausted face, making guilt twist horribly in Sayid's gut at the pain Ben was trying so desperately to hide. "Hello Sayid," he said softly.

"How are you feeling?" It was stupid question, one that should've been obvious, but a question Sayid still asked regardless.

The wavering smile grew stronger for a few brief moments before falling away. "Better than yesterday," he said softly, tugging weakly on Sayid's hand, urging him to sit down. He complied, resting his weight on the edge of the hospital bed. "You should go home you know," Ben continued, "take a nap, feed Sophie… take a shower."

A burst of somber laughter escaped his throat. Leaning down, he whispered, "Are you telling me I smell bad?"

"You're beginning to smell like a hospital," Ben teased him, pushing himself up to kiss him on the cheek.

"Well, we certainly can't have that," he said lightly, tucking his face into Ben's neck, planting butterfly kisses on his shoulder.

The skin shivered beneath his lips as Ben half-heartedly squirmed away, tired laughter falling from his thin lips before Sayid reluctantly pulled away, trying to hide the tears threatening to fall just behind his dark eyes.

They were interrupted when Dr. Shepherd stepped into the room a fond smile softening his face, "I see you snuck past the nurses again," he chided teasingly.

The entire hospital knew at this point that visiting hours didn't apply to Sayid; he would simply sneak in not five minutes later.

They had learned to bend the rules for him, for the simple fact that it saved his staff more headaches than they needed.

Sayid merely smirked before returning his attention back to his partner, the lines on his face becoming sharper as he took in (as he did everyday) how fragile he looked, how worn-out and exhausted he was; the pain that was present in every flicker of his soft expression, bravely hiding his discomfort in order to not worry him.

It made guilt throb so painfully in his chest that it stole his breath away at times. What he wouldn't give to take Ben's place—to carry his pain for him.

_Why_ out of all the people in the world did Ben have to get cancer? Why not serial killer or a rapist? Someone who deserved this agony, this indescribable helplessness as their body slowly destroyed itself. Why did it have to be _him?_

* * *

After being playfully kicked out of the hospital for a few hours by Ben's strict orders, Sayid found himself unable to head home. Without Ben there it had become nothing more than a pale mimicry of the welcoming warmth it had once exuded; it felt cold and far too big for just one person.

Instead Sayid found himself heading towards the local bar; he could use a stiff drink and it would give him an excuse to actually head home and take a shower to get the smell of liquor and smoke off his skin and out of his clothes.

Taking his usual spot at the bar he ordered whatever was on tap and taking an absent sip, he barely registered the taste as it burned down his throat.

"Its been awhile since I've seen you around here Sayid," a familiar voice said from behind the bar.

He looked up and forced a smile onto his tired lips, "Yeah, how have things been Richard? Business going well?"

Tossing the dishrag over his shoulder, Richard gave him a searching look, no doubt taking stock of the extra lines on his face and the shadows lingering beneath his dark eyes. "Just fine, although it looks like you've had a rough couple of days," Sayid almost laughed, it was more than a few _days_, more like a handful of months. "Where's Ben by the way?"

Sayid felt his smile die as he was reminded of his lover suffering alone in a sterile hospital bed with only the nurses and cable tv to offer him any company. He swallowed hard around the knot in his throat.

Richard read all the signs and came to the wrong conclusion, "Oh god, you two didn't break up did you?"

Sayid hurriedly shook his head, forcing the heavy words past his tongue, "Cancer," the word was spoken barely above a whisper. "Ben has a cancer."

Richard paled as his mouth opened and closed several times, trying to find anything to say that wouldn't seem overused and empty, but _"I'm sorry"_ just didn't seem to cover it. "Sayid," he began.

"Please don't," Sayid said, cutting him off, "I know, believe me, I _know_," he said heavily.

A heavy sigh left Richard's lips and Sayid found his glass topped off. "Its on the house," Richard told him, not taking "no" for an answer.

A ghost of a smile whispered through his face as he raised his glass to Richard, "Thank you," he said sincerely.

Richard nodded. "Is it alright if I tell Jacob?"

His business partner and lover, both of whom had known him and Ben for the last two years. Sayid nodded, a sly smirk twitching at the edge of his lips, "You couldn't keep a secret from him if you tried anyway."

"You try keeping secrets from a man that can smell a lie a mile away," Richard said mock-defensively.

Sayid laughed into his drink, feeling lighter than he had weeks. He really should take Ben's advice more often, the man was _always_ right.

As Richard wandered away to attend to another customer Sayid pulled out a well-loved picture of his lover; it was a photo Ben had no knowledge of, since Sayid had taken it while the man had been fast asleep on their couch for a lazy Sunday nap.

His face was peaceful, free from the lines of pain that it endured now.

It was a lopsided shot, but one that Sayid adored nonetheless. It was frayed at the edges and faded from the years, but still as clear as ever, bringing the happy memory into focus every time he saw it. He caressed the photo reverently before returning it to his coat pocket and placing his money on the counter (regardless of the drink being on the house) and went to leave.

It was time to return to his lover's side because time wasn't something he had in abundance.

Or he would have if someone hadn't grabbed his shoulder; Sayid felt his muscles tensing at the unwelcome touch as he turned around to face the foolish person. The first thing he took note of was the silver cross hanging around his neck and the first thing that went through Sayid's mind was, _fuck_.

If he had to listen to one word about how his love for Ben was "sinful" this man was going to get his face rearranged.

The young man pulled back, "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation with Mr. Alpert," he began.

"Save it," Sayid growled, making it clear what he expected to hear from the young priest.

So he was surprised when a sad, understanding smile unfolded on the priest's lips. "Ah, I can see how you would think that," a self-depreciating smile twisted his lips, "how could you _not_? But I'm not hear to condemn you, I only wish to offer my condolences and that I admire your strength for staying by the man you love." The priest pulled out a card, handing to him, "If you need _anything_ please give me a call."

Sayid took it with numb fingers, "Why?" It was only the word he could think of.

That self-depreciating smile returned. "I am sad to say that most people are happy to use religion and the Bible as an excuse for their actions, claiming their acts of violence to be acts of religious freedom and the gay community has suffered under this for years. So I promised myself that if I was ever given the opportunity to help correct that wrong than I would take it," he explained.

As he listened to him, Sayid felt something in his chest loosen; maybe the next generation wouldn't have to fight as hard as they had, maybe acceptance had never been as complicated as they had always imagined it to be.

Sayid felt his expression softening, tucking the card into his coat pocket, the same one the held his photo of Ben. "Thank you," he said sincerely.

A weight seemed to be lifted from the priest's shoulders and his smile lightened, "Thank _you_," he said.

Feeling lighter than he had in months Sayid walked back out into the streets, heading back to the house to shower before heading _home_ to Ben.

* * *

Weeks passed and Sayid watched helplessly as the love of his life slowly faded away before his very eyes. He had lost so much weight and the shadows around his eyes had turned into painful bruises. His skin was thin and paper-white, so very different from the calloused, sun-darkened skin he used to have when he used to go traversing through sweltering jungles on every vacation they had ever taken.

He slept mostly and Sayid couldn't have been more thankful. At this point chemotherapy wouldn't even amount to much; it wouldn't even buy them a year. At least Jack was honest with them and Sayid could tell that the usually composed doctor was swallowing back the bitter tears as well.

Jacob and Richard now visited every three days, sitting for hours in uncomfortable hospital chairs, either in respectful silence or playing cards whenever Ben could stay awake long enough (long enough for them to get their asses handed to them).

* * *

"Sayid."

When had his voice grown so weak? Ben wondered, forcing his tired, aching eyes open. A strong, warm hand embraced his own, "I'm right here Ben," Sayid said softly.

Smiling, he tugged weakly on his partner's hand, urging him to come closer. "Lay with me," he whispered.

Sayid immediately complied, ever-so gently positioning himself around Ben's frail body and tucking his lover into his chest. He felt Ben shiver as his warmth sank into his ever-cold body.

"Is this ok?"

He felt him nod into his chest. "Yes," he breathed, "thank you."

Breathing deeply, he wrapped his arms securely around the thin form in his arms, feeling something inside his chest loosen with every soft breath that fell on his neck, raising goose bumps on his skin. Burying his nose in Ben's soft hair, he silently prayed to a god he swore to never believe in, praying for just one more day.

"I love you Ben, I love you so much."

* * *

It was beautiful day, with the sun shining through the trees and the light breeze taking the edge off the mild heat as the birds sang, hopping from branch to branch. The day should've been perfect, but it wasn't. Today was _hell._

Each labored breath Ben drew was a struggle, his heart beat weakly beneath Sayid's hand and so softly that even the heart monitor had trouble picking it up, it had already issued several false alarms.

It had come to a point where even Sayid could admit (if only to himself) that forcing Ben to continue on was only causing him undeserved suffering. But how do you let go of someone who you gave your entire heart to? How would he carry on after—well, _after_?

He knew it was selfish and he knew that not only Jack would have words with him if he asked Ben to hold on, one more time. And Ben, his sweet, beautiful, cunning Ben would always hold on, giving him a brave smile. He always woke up the next morning, with fear strangling his heart and choking his lungs until he felt his lover's warm body curled in his arms and his soft breath tickling his neck. Only then would the fear recede, leaving his limbs shaking as he clung more tightly to Ben, trying not to be selfish, but always, _always_ praying for one more day.

Taking a shuddering breath he pulled his lover into his arms, resting his head atop of Ben's head, his soft hair tickling his chin. He closed his eyes, trying to fight the tears that threatened to fall as his mouth opened and closed, attempting to say the words he had prepared, but all that came out was, "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

The soft voice startled him and Sayid swallowed hard, his mouth suddenly going dry. "For being weak," he said, his voice trembling as his chin wobbled and his eyes began to burn.

He felt Ben shift in his arms, those pale-blue eyes staring up into his dark orbs and where he expected to find bitterness and anger, there was only warmth and acceptance and love, those thin lips that he loved to kiss until they were both breathless smiled at him understandingly. "You're not weak, Sayid," he said simply.

"I'm terrified," he said shakily, cupping Ben's cheek softly.

Ben leaned into the touch, his own hand covering his own, "That's not weakness. It just means your human."

Silence fell between them as Sayid tried to breathe through the painful sobs trying to crawl up his throat as Ben dozed off, his head pillowed on his chest, their hand entangled together. But every time he felt Ben start to drift off too deeply, whenever his trembling breaths grew softer Sayid would gently urge him awake, feeling something like guilt and relief coil heavy in his chest every time those blue eyes struggled to open.

Wrapping his arms around Ben, he slowly let his hands travel down his withering body, taking in every detail, memorizing every scar and freckle that decorated his lover's body; he almost jumped when he felt Ben answer with his own trembling touch.

Leaning down, he carefully kissed him, taking in his scent that lay hidden beneath the stale odor of antiseptic and sickness; he gently slipped his tongue in, mapping out his lover's mouth, taking in everything he could, trying to imprint the taste of him in his mind and those wonderful, keening purrs that sank delightfully into his ears.

Pulling away, he felt the tears he'd been repressing finally escape, carving hot paths down his cheeks. Kissing him chastely on his lips, he felt more tears slip down face. Swallowing, he gasped sharply, feeling like a thousand blades had lodged themselves into his chest as he buried his face in his lover's neck, embracing him as tightly as he could.

And with his heart stuttering in his throat and his mouth feeling like he had just swallowed a dozen cotton balls, he finally said the words he should've said two weeks ago: "Its ok Ben. _I'll _be ok," his voice broke, but he forced himself to continue, "You don't have to hold on anymore."

He felt Ben take a shuddering breath and felt a ghost-like kiss grace his temple and Sayid felt something like peace ease the coil around his heart even as it shattered. He pulled Ben to his chest, his head buried in the crook of his neck, with his soft, spiky hair brushing against his chin.

He felt Ben slowly fall asleep, drifting further and further away from him and this time Sayid didn't pull him back.

And the world fell silent.

As the monitor issued its final and last warning as Ben's heart slowly stopped, falling silent beneath Sayid's hand he felt the world break apart beneath him as the nurses scurried around him, silencing the machine and its eerie wails.

They must be speaking to him, but he couldn't comprehend what they were saying, the only thing that mattered to him was the cooling body in his arms as the hot tears paraded down his face, disappearing into Ben's soft hair.

"Sayid," the calm voice Jack broke through his reverie, but he didn't turn to face him. "Sayid, you have to let him go."

No words would come so he merely shook his head, clinging to his partner's body.

"Sayid," he could hear the pain in the doctor's voice, "Sayid… Ben is—Ben is _gone_."

Sayid took another trembling breath and finally turned to face Jack, his face wet with tears and his eyes red as his mouth quivered, "I know," he said softly.

Turning back towards Ben he rested his hand against his lover's chest, but only silenced answer him. He simply closed his eyes and allowed the tears to come.

_-fin._

* * *

_A/N: Well, that was one of the weirdest plot-bunnies I've ever had, but I hope you enjoyed the ride. I certainly enjoyed writing it. And if anything doesn't make sense, seeing as I know nothing about cancer treatments, I apologize. I tried to be as vague as I possibly could and I know Jack is a spinal surgeon...just pretend he visits them because he's there friend. _

_And about the priest...I considered making him a bigot, but I really wanted to address that not all religious people are hate-mongering bigots that can only preach the Bible as if their brain is set on repeat. I know there are a lot of religious people that support gay rights. And for those that do, we (or I) sincerely thank you. (Sorry about the rant, but I felt I had to explain that).  
__  
In any case, I hope you enjoyed this and I am sorry that I killed Ben. ...Please don't kill me._

Please review! And as always, if you see any mistakes please point them out and I will correct them.  



End file.
